Evil Dead: the Later Years

So the beautiful woman flies into town, and despite the creepiness of the human skin page, intrepidly calls a cab, and heads into the deep woods, where even without the dangers of human possession, transmogrification, or tree sex, there’s more mundane horror of Booby Jo and her cousin/husband.

10) Somehow she managed to make it to the bridge without questioning the validity of her actions after watching any horror movie. As she stands at the bridge that is as twisted as a graph drawn by Michael J. Fox, her reaction to the bridge is:

1)Question the simple physics of current state of the bridge, and call the cops, the national guard, or a psychic to find out what in the fuck is going on.
2)Ask the same question as the proverbial chicken, “How do I get to other side?”
3)“What is this Eightball doing here?”

So not do you chose the extremely stupid response, you decide to follow the aforementioned Bobby Jo and her genetically compromised companion into the back woods of hell.

11) After a creepy trek through the woods (consider your tour guides, you wouldn’t think it would get any creepier), you arrive at your father’s shag shack, which for some odd reason is boarded up and quiet, except for the pained maniacal laughter emanating from the house.
1) Leave the ramshackle building, cross back through the woods, and call the cops. You know like you should have the first time.
2)Ignore said laughter and politely knock on the door.
3)Yell, “I’ve found your Eightball and I’m not afraid to use it!”

So, yeah, you took option 2) and got rewarded with two rounds of buckshot, and an encounter with Stumpy, who’s face just screams, “I’m going to Hell, and I’m taking you with me.”

12 – After getting shot at, you do the smart thing: throw the redneck at the lunatic, and the senseless lunatic in the cellar. After seeing the bloody chainsaw, you reasonably surmise that this guy might be a little off.

So you start doing research what exactly happens to your parents, and in your rummaging, you discover the infamous recordings of your father speaking about the Skin Book. When he mentions burying your mother in the basement, there is another sign that something is amiss: the girlish screams coming from the basement.

1)Let the screaming lunatic as he might know what is going on.
2)Ignore the ghastly screams and unearthly cackling, and let the demonic bitch swallow his soul.
3)Share the Eightball.

Wait, what? You made the right choice? My, that was strange. Considering your decision paradigm up to this point, you’re fortunate to be breathing. We will attribute this to luck.

13 – After releasing the maniac, you are beset by a witch of unimaginable eldrik beauty, who proceeds to mop the floor with blondie and the redneck, and gives Bobby Jo a mouthful. You somehow manage to get her confined in the basement; I’m speechless.

However, this carosel of horrors nevers stops. Somehow, some way, Blondie turned to the dark side (you know the saying, “Once you go dead, you look at lotions with a new found respect.”)

1)Grab a superior weapon and behead the bastard.
2)Go mano a mano with a demon that has the strength of 6 men, and before had a mullet.
3)“Dude, I think that Eightball was bad.”

Well, it seems the new paradigm is working for you, as you should have made with the Demon choppy chop beforehand. Although, as the Zen Master of DOOM says, “Two right choices in a sinking submarine does not equate to being able to breath underwater.”

To be continued…

One Response to “Evil Dead: the Later Years”

  1. […] Evil Dead: the Ad As the Zen Master of DOOM says, “Two right choices in a sinking submarine does not equate to being able to breath underwater.” […]

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