Evil Dead – The Adventure Continues!

So where were we?

So, you wake up from the bloody incident to discover that you have a stump on one arm, several dead and mutilated friends, and the sinking feeling of your impending doom.

1)You kill yourself.
2)You try to escape.
3)“Fuck, the eightball ran out.”

It is sad, fucked up day when killing yourself is the best option. Zen Master Master – of DOOM says “This is exactly the situation you train yourself not to be in.” Any ways, you drive off from the murder scene (puss,) not even bothering to clean up the bodies nor your stump (hooks are always in fashion.)

When you reach the only bridge to escape in this gods-forsaken wilderness, and the Unseen Evil has turned your remaining life into a horror filled episode of “Lost,” oh, and the bridge is a pretzel now.

1)Jump off the pretzel and end this horrible existence.
2)Flee back to the only free standing structure that gives any illusion of protection
3)“Wait, wait, wait, wait… Don’t mushrooms grow out here?”

We’re not going to mention that you are better off dead, you once again puss out and burn rubber back to that honeymooners cabin gone wrong, that has been newly redecorated by a highly enthusiastic emo with guts of your former friends. Then the Sheriff comes back to town, assaulting you in your battered bastion of motoring metal. (I’d dare you say three times fast, but you have more pressing issues.)

As the Demonic version of COPS pursues your pre-used soul:

1)You drive like a bat out of hell and arrive safely at the redecorated cabin.
2)You crash into a tree, because it’s hard to drive a stick with a stump.
3)Break down crying as the drugs the leave your system.

Zen Master…of DOOM giggles at the irony of number 1. Snowballs chance in hell of ever happening. So instead, you hit said tree, fly through the window, and try to chop down the tree with your neck. Monty Python would be proud. Unfortunately, this does not kill you, despite several laws physics and anatomy stating otherwise. ZMD: HA!

You reach your supposed safe haven on foot, and run through the house like a demented Easter Egg Hunt until the Demon loses interest.

And sadly so does the audience, because as of right now, there is a beautiful woman flying into town that is going to become a player in this sad opera of bad choices.

To be continued.

One Response to “Evil Dead – The Adventure Continues!”

  1. […] Dead – Lack of Eight Ball I get no satisfaction. “Really should have stayed home with the Eight […]

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