Oh shit – Attack of the clone stars!

I was told that this was going to be a decent movie by a co-worker. I figured he was bullshitting me, so I went into this with a proper state of mind: it’s not Alexander. I almost committed suicide because it approached Alexander. If it hadn’t been for Wolf and the Cthullu smile, it would have been Alexander in shittiness. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

So now, for the uneditted shittiness…

Templar, Grand Master, yada yada yada… DiVinci wannabe. There better be two boobies are we’re going to be pissed. In fact, every time we see another overused trope, we’ll demand more boobies. Or explosions.

Explosions are just like sex: lot of work for for 30 seconds of climax. Often involving devastating consequences, like structural damage and “I missed my period.”

Hell, we haven’t even gotten a minute into the movie yet. We’re taking out all of our angsty frustrations on this movie.

It’s not how pretty she is but how long she can hold her breath.

Treasure raiders: the difference between a porn is Ass Raiders and Treasure raiders; we’re not sure whom’s imitating whom.

Patrick Statham: Jason Stathm-lite. Same action, less manliness. (Well, he was just stunt coordinator, and there was Wolf/Arnold/clearly a fan of liquid botox/karma)

David Carradine… almost as good as boobies. (In hindsight, there might be something with us.)

Shitty writing. Talking about both the movie and the handwriting. (Oh wait, it’s Russian, it makes sense now. God we’re stupid.)

David Carradine is going to be the villain. We have junk food riding on a bet. (Josh won.)

We discovered real reason why David killed himself: this movie.

This scene is brought by the William Shatner School of Acting. WE already knew that David was a professor at that school. The “good guy” is post doc.
-Altnernately, that scene is a Thirty Kirk Pile Up
Onwards

“I have a side job.” OUr take: I’m a gigolo. Proof: THis guy guy has to be a pimp 9:26 Hey dude, the 70’s want their collar back. We have a plan (said in an Australian Irish): We inject liquid karma and shover in a time machine. Except Austin Powers will send him because he doesn’t want the competition.

Ripping off the Transporter now. Fast and furious… and BOOBIES.

Dog head cocked moment: we found the Arnold clone that got away. A little fucked up and slow, but he can crush you head between his hands, biceps and asscheeks. He mistook the dude’s screams for a fart.

“Why did yoiu steal a corpse?” “I don’t know.” At least he’s honest.

Ashton Kucher clone. And a 12 year old driver. “Hey, it’s rusher.” (“Wait, what the hell is rusher?” Josh asks.)

Yay, it’s the one guy from that one movie. (Josh exclaims with glee.)

That isn’t a normal stop for a bus.

Nice helmets.

And Clive Owen clone… replacement. Oh dear god, it’s An Attack of the CLones. Yay! WE might get a NAtalie Portman Clone!

Those are some shitty pyrotechnics. And the booby (there weren’t enough boobs. *sniffs sadly*)

Russian Arnold.

The racing scene reminds me of the podracing scene.

Hey, chick, Angelina Jolie called, she wants her lips back. (In hindsight, they lady was hired for her lips. Yup, that’s all.)

“I didn’t realize my teaching was that well-known.” “I isn’t your teaching.” Our take: It’s your penis size.

Hey boobies.

What was the point for the can crushing?

Arnold won points. Dump drugs, keep money.

He also is kicking ass

Nice cleavage shot. WE got to see how excited she was.

We drink vodka and then I rape you.

Wait, David’s supposed to be french? He is what he is.

TEacher on teacher sex. “YOu’re famous on campus.”

The transition scenes are like ping ball, it bounces back and forth but nothing really happens. We wish that Alexander had used this shitty film technique: it would made the movie by ending it sooner.

Why are they treating this antique book like a text book?

What is her expression? I think it’s (uh, err… yeah.)

THe porshe again. He better get sex in it.

Dr. Phil clone. And his clone wife, Oprah.

I just figured out what the drug storyline was about: they didn’t have enough story for a movie.

“Walter you’re a genius.” More tits to the account.

Getting your nails done. David say it ain’t so.

Villainy by the imaginary numbers.

A Monica Lewinsky clone!

Oh, no, the 12 year old wrecked hard. And she walked out.

He caught up to the race. He’s travelling at the speed of plot! (We need a plot speedometer, so we can tell what to ignore.)

The winner is getting laid.

Arnold lost points.

No! The transition robbed us of the answer if he got laid.

Oh, no, it ripped off Sleepless in Seattle now.

The Russian Army is serving as nothing but exposition.

Where did she come from?

One gun is great, but two guns is wootastic. And a motorbike out of a fireball! Yay! Arnold-clone is teh awsome. AC as a meatgrinder.

Part Steven Seagal, Vin Diesal, John Woo, and Arnold! He’s too awesome to die.

Who cares about the doctor? We want more Arnold.

High drama: Doctor Phil ironing his pants. Riveting.

We have lost track of the number of tits we’re owed.

Hey, Arnold’s sister talks!

Strongest Russian evar shows why he’s in the movie, beyond his awesomeness.

We missed a pingball bounce: what the hell is a bell?

Ripping off National Treasure, again.

Arnold is scared of the books. Yet, he’s smarter than he looks, not that is hard. Josh looks smarter when he’s shitting. Jeremy look smarter when he’s sleeping. And then he gives an eyebrow. “I’m a historian too.” Like anyone is going to buy that.

Hey, plaster of paris.

Back to National Treasure. Arnold PUNCH! Or his sister will suck it out.

A Shat-storm coming: we have the book!

David Carradine is fucking with us now, and he knows it. His face contorted in ways that would have made Cthullu proud. Watch him smile. Blalalallaalala. Watch him frown. Blalalallaalala. David has just proven that he is manifestation the parts of Shat and Picard rolled into one: nearly bald and serious. “I have just mind fucked you with my face, and I’m proud of it.”

THe Cthullu smile: when you face off a rapid series of facial contortions that seem overly dramatic and unnatural in that order. People have thrown up their souls at the site of his face.

Hitting a guy in a wheel: kick the puppy moment. He wasn’t a true geek: his desk was too clean. And his game was playing itself. Is that like masturbation? Josh says no: no hot chicks fighting. Autofight in Dead or Alive.

“Meet me at the old shipyard.” Moscow shouldn’t have a shipyard. Except they needed a place to keep all the shit for this movie.”

“It better fit this time.” That’s what she said.

Arnold found a cable strong enough to hold up his awesomeness/manliness.

The pizza guy is the real kick the puppy: knocked out and then his car blown up.

Ripped off James Bond.

“THe bad guys driving cabs. Funny.”

….

You know, I wish the movie would have ended at the Cthullu scene.

The Russian cops are actually showed some fucking competence.

And the book survived the explosion.

What? Huh? Josh is telling me that I was skull fucked, and now my left hemisphere is bleeding out my ass. So that was that wet spot. (And line was more wrong than I knew.)

It was worse that In the Name of the King. It’s closer to the Alexander singularity, but not over the event horizon.

And yet again, I’m posting this piece of shit without editting, because –

One Response to “Oh shit – Attack of the clone stars!”

  1. […] shit – Stop cloning around So, you think you manly enough? Like Russian Arnold? Then go and read this. Prepare the vodka (“Making the bad days good, and the good days […]

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