Oh Shit – Scorpion King squared!

This is a contender for one of the worst movies we’ve ever seen, and that’s going up against 3/4ths of Alexander, twice. It is definitely the cheapest, and on further inspection, Alexander is the worst for now (scrock, Andomen, AJ doesn’t get naked [crime against humanity, coupled with “I want to fuck my son vibe” {ha!}], and strangely, SK2 had better BOOBIES!.) I swear to God above if we find a movie worse than Alexander, I am going to start Devil worshipping, because at that point, there is no God. Honestly, as another sign of the Apocalypse, we are speechless about how cheap and piss poorly made this movie was. Needless to say, we only suggest you watch this movie if 1) you want to see what a bad movie looks like, 2) if your other choice is Alexander, 3) you’re Helen Keller (Hellpoint for Jeremy…) and 4) you’re clinically depressed and contemplating suicide (that’s when you realize that life can get better, because you know you never, ever have to see this again.)

To demonstrate: Josh just realized that he passed up watching Dark Knight for free on campus, instead choosing to do homework due FRIDAY! and watch this God awful movie. I feel better about my life already. All five of our readers take note: don’t be an engineer.

The first part was the Brit-Greek Poet (and you will meet him soon enough) making notes as we traveled through hell. The parenthesis is the post-action wrap-up.

Starting with someone dying already, and shadow fighting. (This should have been a dead clue that this movie is going to be cheap. They could even afford to show actors.)

Reminds me of a TV movie. (Wait, a TV movie is honest about their shittiness. This movie begged us to love it, and it couldn’t seduce a beggar if it had a pile of gold coins between its thighs. Oh snap! [That should be a crime against humanity: two white guys saying that.])

Opening shot reminds me of a poor man’s rip off of Gladiator.

THE GLARE!!! Ah, my eyes! (Warning: please stay away from Chromedome at all times. Do not feed Chromedome after midnight, or spill water on him. AND DO NOT FOR THE SAKE OF GOD, ASK HIM TO ACT.)

Someone shoot him! (Anyone acting in this movie should have been in the Happening. Except for the Warrior chick, Chinese guy, and the Brit-Greek.)

1011011100001111 Black death cloud of the computer. And then Black scorpions. (He died by scorpions. Oh, that’s original. Scorpion King… Ahhhhh.)

Mathias- confirms it is the prequel to the prequel. (Not that we doubted. Continuity is confusing in this movie alone.)

Training montage, Yay! (Cheap way to pass time, and they needed more zombie horses to ignite.)

Poor attempt at the eyebrow thing (No one, and I mean NO ONE, should ever try the eyebrow ever, unless you need surgery to remove pec muscles to get serious acting [HA!] parts.)

Left as a boy and returned as a goat… wait. Nevermind. The warrior girl is going to be shocked at that one. (That explains why she wasn’t in Scorpion King… 1? 2? No wait, I’ll get it, I swear! [Josh: Give it up. Let it go. Let it go.])

Once again we have a demonstration that decent armor is poorly understood. Abs of steel, more protection than any armor!

the GLARE rules over us! One dome to rule us all, one dome to find us, and in the brightness blind us. (Yay! We’ve ripped off Lord of the Rings! Every Geek will bow to us.)

“Special assignment.” Hehehe.

Statue that is going to fall. Look at my pecs dammit! Bow down and worship them.

Hair is short supply.

Oh my god, a dude with hair.

wow. talk about Blind loyalty. (The GLARE! Of course he’s blind.)

BOOBIES! *Happy dance* “I got laid!”

Another Rock look. (Stop it!)

Black eyes. Telekenesis is awesome. (We’re not sure how he got the power, and then we got hit by a Quantum of Exposition. Man, subtlety?)

The brother didn’t die in the room, but he does die by the telekinesis arrow. (I think that’s an awesome way to die. “Man, I got killed by an arrow, but fuck, I’m impressed.”)

“What’s wrong?” “I got an arrow in my fucking back!” He shlumped off the horse. “Ack.” Last dying words: “I’ve never seen Disney World…”

Assault by mackerel! (And no it isn’t a sex scene. He hit her with the fish… although I would have given anything for a pussy right then… Cat, damn it, cat! Monty Python damn it! [Josh has no clue, but he was born in ’88, not the bronze age.])

They have achieved the quantum of exposition. (The theory to unify all shitty movies under one equation. Proof in next issue.)

Argument! They are doomed to sex!

Now that’s overtly British! (I imagine that the Greeks would be surprised that they sound English.)

Would you sleep with him if you knew he was going to become a giant scorpion later?

Ship of exposition! (Schrodinger’s cat would have been as confused as hell at the amount of Quantum on that ship “I’m alive, no I’m dead… oops, I only wish I was.”)

Spear of Osiris. (This was a spooge of exposition. It was a sperm that got lost.)

“Oh please!” Thank you warrior chick for recognizing how stupid this plot is!

God the Rock wouldn’t put up with this shit. This guy is an absolute pussy. Josh points out this is a young Rock before he grew enough muscle that he can’t wipe his own ass.

Who needs feminine wiles when you got a purse filled with the Rock’s balls?

Gotta love the trapdoor of convenience. “Why are you imprisoned here?” Like that wasn’t obvious?

Argh! Bad plot point again! So… they decided to find a new horse to beat (the greeks), since they had already Egyptian to beyond the grave in the next… no, previous… God damn it, I give up.

BOOBIES!!!! W00T!!! (Yes, they were leather bound, but that was part of their appeal. I just wanted to unwrap them!)

Why is the lock on the inside of the door? Unless the minotaur likes uwrapping his meals. (Like I wanted to unwrap her breasts.)

“Please!” “If you say that again, bitch, I’ll pull out something to please you.”

“Is that Asher?” Fifteen minutes later. Gods, we have an entire casts of slow Captain Obviousness.

Hey, bones! And a mentally unstable guy. Who tied him up? Nice cut. Where in the hell did the monster come from? He could not have been that quiet. (I mean he has fucking hooves!)

Monster chasing the nookie. (Well, the minotaur was horny.)

In another sign of the Apocalypse, Jeremy is speechless about how bad that fight sucked. The British distracted the horny Minotaur with his flute.

New news: “The underworld is a shortcut to China.” That explains how he got here in the first place.

The underworld is on a hill. Dammit, which hell are they in? Egyptian, Greek, my ass?

The father voice over, saying words he had never said before.

THAT was hilarious. Magical elevator lift goes nowhere.

Potential rhymes with pentacle rex. Oooh, the warrior chick and mud.

It looks like Little China.

Dammit, it should have been the woman getting tentacled! The trees are very, very, VERY friendly.

DADDY! “What are you tell me? Fucking Chinese prick!” He’s the only sane one here, and no one understands him. (God, I must have gotten a snort of Liquid Karma, because I have no fucking clue. A musical interlude would have made this better.)

The first extra dies.

Yup, the Brit is talking his ass. (Through? out? From? Beyond? Once again, I have no fucking clue what I was talking about.)

The Gary Oldman look alike is… DEAD! Just another reminder that greed is bad. Captain Oblivious just noticed the other extras are dead.

“Even I can tell what that is.”

Horny underworld chick. Hot Horny underworld chick, whose invisible legs go on forever. Woohoo! Depraved acts! Lesbian tentacle sex! (we only wished. It would have made it worthwhile)

China? Nope the sword. (China dude “Fuck, why in the hell am I believing him again?”)

Reverse seduction?

Gods, the cheapest rescue ever! And cheapest looking sword ever. I think he got it out of a… (monkey’s ass? Ah, dumpster. Even Monty Python rejected it.)

Longest damn hour ever, even if it took 15 minutes. And the mercenaries were just there to show how long the hour was. With the cheesiest deaths.

OMG! It makes sense! I don’t know what I shall do! (Except, even the explanation sucked.)

Rube Goldberg blood machine of doom! Oops, Rube Goldberg oil machine of doom! (Wait there for twenty five steps or 30 minutes to die, whichever comes first. Warning: may cause cancer due to advanced age.)

Heh, the Brit is still writing… and then betrays the hero.

PANTY SHOT! (*Angels sing!* [Proving the Theory of Relativity {ie, when the rest of the movie is shit, it doesn’t take much to please us.}])

Then the Greek betrays again, by giving him the cheap knockoff of a cheap knockoff.

So why haven’t they lit up the crowd yet? (On step 18 of the Rube Goldberg oil machine of doom! The crowd will die of fucking boredom first.)

The obligatory Palace on fire. And it’s a fucking shadow scorpion, not even the real thing. They couldn’t afford the special effects for something bigger. Gods, I feel cheated.

The cheapest fucking bossfight EVER! They had a fucking scorpion and fucked it up!

On the other hand, we did get a good grovel, and Nookie in the waiting.

…. And even the gag reel sucks.

Yay! And this is a ghastly reminder why we do these things not even once a month. We don’t have the brain cells to spare.

And as promised! Rocket Zombie Horse

2 Responses to “Oh Shit – Scorpion King squared!”

  1. […] and EntertainmentOh Shit – AlexanderOh Shit from the SouthlandOh Shit HappensOh Shit – Scorpion King squared! « […]

  2. […] dump is self-evident, I talk about porn all the fucking time, and the scorpions are a bit obvious… But Seekbang.com? What? Where in the hell did I post that? Googles my site… oooooooh. […]

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