Oh Shit and Entertainment

Co Blogged by Josh

I refuse to apologize for watching In the Name of the of the King (Josh on the other feels like he needs twenty showers with Leelee Sobiesky, not that I wouldn’t mind that either.) I knew going in exactly what I was in for, although I will admit that I felt like I was walking out of Blockbuster with Orangutan porn. I was expecting a terrible movie, but what I found was as unholy as Michael Jackson dressed as a nun. Now, a bad movie can be entertaining, like Ice Pirates, Army of Darkness, Steven Segal movies, and most porn. On the other hand, King is a bad script encumbered by a Russian geneticist for an editor, Uwe Boll (a blind genetic monstrosity in and of himself) for director, and I think the actors realized about two hours into shooting that “Oh shit, what the hell is going on? How in the holy fuck did my agent talk my into doing this… this… fuck, I don’t know. Can’t I call this… wait, iron ball attack?! UWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!” OK, OK, it wasn’t an iron ball. It was styroform, made by enslaved third third-graders.

And even the amount of very, very, VERY nice cleavage involved was not enough to distract from how bad this movie blows. Even a copious amount of tits and ass could not have saved this movie (a lot like the C-porn Spider Girl.) To show how bad the directing was, there were several very nice Claire Forlani cleavage shots, and she was crying, but the only thing I noticed (besides her BOOBIES!) was that the guy she was crying on was cross eyed (not to besmirch Claire’s acting[Josh wants me to point out that I spelled bismirch wrong, and said smelled instead of spelled…] I have no regrets, no matter what Josh says)… uh… Point please? BOOBIES! Now, I think I said that nothing could save this movie. I might have been wrong. Two things MIGHT, and I say MIGHT, have saved this movie: 1) editting the movie to 30 minutes of footage and/or 2) any scene with 4 or more BOOBIES involved are turned into a lesbian scene (nudity would have been huge plus on this point, and would have given you a reason to watch it again… Loooooooooove monkey.)

What made it even more tragic was that it was a few great scenes buried under a mountain of magic fairy elephant shit. The good scenes being 1) the very brief and wonderous moments of cleavage (not enough Leelee cleavage, not by a long shot… heh, heh, heh, Beavis… Wink, wink, nudge, nudge… THAT was pure marketing material right there “Leelee BOOBIES!” [Jar Jar Binks’s voice… and Josh and Jeremy are going straight to hell for that.) 2) most scenes with Ron Perlman (except for that WHAT THE FUCKING HELL was that rescue scene and the fucking “escape” take one… it’s pretty sad when an escape led by cross eyed works.. fucking bastards) OK (just break up the paranthesis) Next, again 3) the villain was properly creepy, even though Ray Liotta did play him as a New Jersey Mafia wizard and somehow pulled it off, despite breaking every Shakespearean rule known to mankind and lastly 4) the magus fight; dear GOD above, I never thought I would be saying this, but I wish I had thought up that scene. Seriously, this scene was well thought and interesting, and how in the bloody scrock did the Lord let this well done scene appear in this attrocity malingering as a movie (I ran out of words to describe this shit, so I cheated.)

In closing, the best demonstration that this movie fucked up every convention known to movie fans is that he fucked up ninjas. Oh, I never did mention that this is set in a medieval fantasy, yet there they were. The first time that horribly masked visage appeared on screen, I had a suspicion that something was wrong (something Josh missed the first time, but he was suspicious also [I’m ashamed to admit that we actually rewinded this movie not once, but three times… the ninja was the first time…]) Josh was the first to point out “They are NINJAS?!?!?!” I wasn’t certain at first, but when they climbed up the trees, and then for some reason known only to the creator of the universe (I am certain Uwe had no clue) shot an arrow with bells. Yes, I said bells. He raped ninjas with a wide end of a mattock with bells. (Oh, and mattocks should be considered the real actors of this movie; their acting was less wooden, and indeed deserve an Oscar.) And to rape the ninjas even more, they are the fucking guards to the king… OK, let me get this straight, a medieval king has masked assassins (which despite what all of you fanboy think, that is a ninja) as guards.

We wrote a card to Blockbuster letting them know that this film is a crime against humanity, and that it should be drawn and quartered, stake driven into its heart, put in a blender on puree, incinerator, the ashes put into the Arc of the Covenant, and then shot into a black hole. Or alternately, shot into the past to melt the faces of Nazis.

So in recap the recap, let’s list who we have pissed on and off in writing this plog=piece of shit blog:

First, foremost, and least cared about, Uwe Boll
the cast (who I am vaguely sorry for insulting, I know most of you can act)
Editor, who I hope forever rusts in this movie (which is vaguely like Hell,) and never, ever edits a movie ever again (my friend says the splicing sucks)
Blockbuster
Orangutans (Josh “copy past you lazy bum, how dare you spell it again”) and yes, I’m sorry… don’t apeshit on us)
PETA (nah)
Nuns (Michael Jackson is a joke in and of itself)
Ice Pirates (not enough props there.)
Bruce Campbell
Steven Segal
(and if you don’t know who those two are, fuck off)
Porn (ah, silicon BOOBIES!)
a Russian geneticist
blind genetic monstrosities everywhere
Actors (again)
Actors’ Agents (slavedrivers really)
enslaved child labor
third-graders
Female Actors
Spider Girl (wait… should Josh and Jeremy have admitted to seeing that? ah, bugger)
Female Actors (again)
Feminists
Cleavage
Lesbians
BOOBIES
(ok, ok, so that entire paragraph insulted women everywhere, and enshrined Josh’s and Jeremy’s status(es? si?) as the last bastions of lecherous, horny bastards… and if you expected anything else, fuck off.)
Magic fairy elephants
Beavis and Butthead
Leelee Sobieski
Leelee Sobieski’s BOOBIES
Jar Jar Binks (Jeremy forgave Lucas for everything but Jar Jar… I want Jar Jar’s head on a pike.)
New Jersey’s Mafia
Scary Men with baseball bats
Jeremy’s loan shark
Josh’s bookie
Sniper’s
(Anyone and everyone that we owe money to.)
Bill
THE Alpha and Omega (three times)
M-w.com
All three physically feeble and limp (heh, heh, heh) fans of this movie (see any good cialis commercials lately)
Ninjas
Rape Victims (soooooo sincerely sorry for using that word… but we lacked the imagination to come up with a more sophisticated word… besides, if you saw this movie, you would agree [nice bit of groveling, no? What can I say, Josh wants to avoid a lawsuit, and Jeremy is just good at groveling {he’s well trained.}])
Anyone that smokes hashish
Kings guarded by ninjas
War Criminals (although they wish they thought of this movie)
Indiana Jones
Blenders
Incinerators
Moses
Vampires
Nazis
Black People (thank God that I didn’t use Devil’s Food Cake, or there’d be riots.)

Two hours “watched,” three hours raping the movie… and raping the movie was more fun (and again Josh and Jeremy are going to hell [again, and not for the last time…])

Yes, tagged PETA… they are assholes, and deserve this plog.

No, no Mary Jane was smoked in writing this plog.

3 Responses to “Oh Shit and Entertainment”

  1. […] Mental Dump It’s so wrong, you need a condom for your brain AboutOh Shit and Entertainment « Manipulation at […]

  2. L. M. Largent Says:

    Okay, okay… All I am gonna say is this. This movie was not Ray Liotta’s first run in with the mob here. Lets go back to I believe its 1991 (please don’t quote me on the year…) But the name of the movie is Good Fellas. He played a villian as well. I have to say its a good movie if you haven’t seen it but that’s not the point. The point is the fact you can’t blame the actors as you said for the bullshit that people decide to write for scripts. Such monstrosities should not be made liable to the actors or actresses. Blame the writers. And yes I think another movie you should add to the crock of bullshit list would be House of Wax.

  3. […] and much less profane, look at King’s Name (Don’t even hover the mouse cursor over this link, because I call it my evil blog for a very good […]

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