I hate explaining depression

Everything about depression sucks. From the lack of energy to do things, to the occasional crying spell (I haven’t had many of those during the particular trip to the bottom,) to the anxiety attacks caused by the fact that I need to something in particular and “can’t” to disrupted sleep cycle (which was already fucked up to begin with)… Uhm, I probably forgot something in that list.

But the most awkward part of depression is explaining it to people, especially your boss. “Are you feeling better?” “What caused the depression?” And the unspoken “When are you going to get your act together and do your job properly?!” Yeah, this bout of depression was a bad one, to the point that other people were noticing it, including my boss. And while his questions might be reasonable for something like the flu, my depressions don’t quite work that way. I have my better days, but even those better days are fraught with peril, as something can knock me off my perch of… I don’t want to say happiness, because I’m hell and far from that point. Not sure what word describes my better moods. Not precisely good, content doesn’t work, and stable isn’t so stable. So I guess I’ll stick with “better moods.”

Oh, and getting “grilled” about depression is one of the things that knocks me out of my better moods. Dammit, I was feeling something approximating “OK” before I had that conversation. I was even planning on being productive. Well, the night is still young, so I can still accomplish something tonight, if I can keep myself of Cracked, a website that personally ranks up there with Wikipedia and tvtropes. Reading has always been my drug of choice…

editOh, and I really, reallyhate the phrase “What do you have to be depressed about?” It almost makes me feel like I’m wrong to be depressed. (Comment was’t aimed at me, but I still hate it.)

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