Life on Hold

I’m alive, but it doesn’t feel like it at times. I’m kind of on hold, looking for an excuse to live. My current job is not helping, but I’m not sure if I want to jump, to do something else. Check that, I know that I want to do something else, but exactly what I don’t know. Do anything else feels like playing Russian Roulette. What do I want to do with my life? I always wanted to be a writer, but I don’t have the self-discipline to do that. It’s hard to captain your life when you have no idea where you want to go, and really don’t care where you end up. At the same time, I really don’t feel ashamed of my lack of direction. I have nothing to prove to anyone. If I don’t end up being famous, that’s OK. If I never get independently wealthy, that’s fine. I don’t feel compelled to leave a mark on the world, other than the mark I make from just living. Trillions of people have lived without being remembered by anyone other than their friends and family.

Yet, I’m bored. I am not enjoying my life, except when I’m on my motorcycle, and winter is coming. My job is a study in boredom and listlessness. Third shift just sucks the life out of my bones. Two and half years doing this. Not exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life. But do I really want to jump?

Ye Fucking Gods, listen to me. When in the fuck did I become so angsty? Next thing you know, I’ll be wearing black finger nail polish and make-up. Someone please hit me with a baseball bat if that happens. Time in a coma is preferential to becoming a pretentious twat.

One Response to “Life on Hold”

  1. I will promise to hit you with a bat in such case.

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